Transforming Relations

A Journey from Autumn to Spring – The Secrets of Blissful Living

ਡਾ. ਪੁਸ਼ਪਿੰਦਰ ਸਿੰਘ (ਲੁਧਿਆਣਾ) 98141-17180

6^th Chapter – Understanding Relationships –3^rd Part

Creating a Zone of Happiness

I was going somewhere & unintentionally bumped into a stranger as he passed by, “Oh excuse me please” was my reply. He said, “Please excuse me too; I wasn’t watching for you.” We were very polite to each other, this stranger and I. We went on our way and we said goodbye. But at home a different version is enacted. How we treat our loved ones, young and old. Later that day, cooking the evening meal, my son stood beside me very still. When I turned, I nearly knocked him down. “Move out of the way,” I said with a frown. He walked away, his little heart broken. I didn’t realize how harshly I’d spoken. While I lay awake in bed, God’s still small voice came to me and said, “While dealing with a stranger, common courtesy you use, but the family you love, you seem to abuse. Go and look on the kitchen floor, you’ll find some flowers there by the door. Those are the flowers he brought for you. He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue. He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise; you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes.” By this time, I felt very small, and now my tears began to fall. I quietly went and knelt by his bed; “Wake up, my little one, wake up,” I said. “Are these the flowers you picked for me ?” He smiled, “I found them, out by the tree. I picked them because they’re pretty like you. I knew you’d like them, especially the blue.” I said, “Son, I’m very sorry for the way I acted today; I shouldn’t have yelled at you that way.” He said, “Oh, Mom, that’s okay. I love you anyway.”

I said, “Son, I love you too, and I do like the flowers, especially the blue.”

We all need attention from other people to feel good. If we get plenty of good attention we grow up with a positive image of ourselves. As babies we are held, cuddled, hugged, stoked, patted, and talked to and so on. As we get older we probably get less attention. People think we are old enough to look after ourselves. But this is not true. No matter how old we are, we need attention and recognition from other people if we are to keep developing positively; called “stroke hunger”.

What is Stroke Hunger  ?  A ‘stroke’ is not necessarily a physical contact. In our culture we tend not to come into physical contact too often. A “stroke” is any kind of recognition we give to each other. Words, looks, gestures are all strokes. The worst thing that can happen to anyone is not to be recognized, to be ignored. The message is ‘you are nobody, you don’t count, and you don’t exist’.

Solitary confinement must be like that. It is better to get any type of attention (even bad type) than none at all. We all know people who behave badly because that is their way of getting attention. We can all remember how good we felt when we were praised, congratulated, told how well we have done something or how clever, kind, and honest we are. ‘Positive strokes’ are good to receive, but for many of us, they probably do not happen often enough. In our culture there is probably more emphasis on ‘Negative Strokes’. We are told very quickly about our faults, our mistakes, the things we did not do very well. People are reluctant to praise us too much in case we get ‘big headed’. Most of us therefore get fewer positive strokes than we need.

Giving Positive Strokes: elevates the level of happiness in an Individual, it gives a feeling of wellbeing which has positive manifestation for the individual for the family and the society.

Compliments:

Don’t miss out on any opportunity to give sincere compliments. Remember, the key word is sincerity. When others give you a compliment, accept it graciously and gracefully with two words, “Thank you.” That is a sign of humility.

Honest Appreciation:The psychologist William James said, “One of the deepest desires of human beings is the desire to be appreciated. The feeling of being unwanted is hurtful. “Expensive jewels are not real gifts; they are apologies for shortcomings. Many times we buy gifts for people to compensate for not spending enough time with them. Real gifts are when you give a part of yourself. Sincere appreciation is one of the greatest gifts one can give to another person. It makes a person feel important. The desire to feel important is one of the greatest cravings in most human beings. It can be a great motivator.

The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis but rather the feeling of being unwanted. Mother Teresa

Appreciation, in order to be Effective:

• It must be specific. If I tell someone that he did a good job, and walk away, He will be confused. But when I say, “The way you handled that difficult customer was great,” then he knows what he is being appreciated for.
• It must be immediate. The effectiveness is diluted if we show our appreciation for someone six months after he has done something commendable.
• It must be sincere. It must come from the heart. You must mean every word. The difference between appreciation and flattery is sincerity. One comes from the heart, the other from the mouth. One has sincerity written all over it and the other has an ulterior motive. Some people find it easier to flatter than to give sincere praise. Don’t flatter or get taken in by flatterers.

It’s an old maxim in the schools that flattery’s the food of fools yet now and then you men of wit will condescend to take a bit – Jonathan Swift

• Say something like “I appreciate your effort and would you please…” rather than “I appreciate your effort but…”
• After giving appreciation, it is not important to wait for a receipt or acknowledgment. Some people are looking for a compliment in return. That is not the purpose of appreciation. If you are receiving appreciation, accept it graciously with a “thank-you.”

Slandering: i.e. “Ninda” is when one tells less than the truth, truth is plain facts and simple. Flattery i.e. “Ustat” is when one tells more than the truth. “Ninda” is when one is motivated to put someone down and will bend the truth to serve that purpose. “Ustat” is when one has ulterior/ selfish motives to please another person and will exaggerate the truth. Truth is the facts whether they are in ones favor or not. Pointing out someone’s faults is not automatically “Ninda”. Constructive criticism is useful for everyone to get better. Swearing and cursing the person then slandering them in front of everyone for their mistake is wrong.

Smile and Be Kind:

A smile costs nothing, but it creates much. It creates happiness in the home, fosters goodwill in a business, and is the countersign of friends. It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and nature’s best antidote for trouble. In the course of the day, some of your acquaintances may be too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours. Cheerfulness flows from goodness. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. It is easier to smile than frown. It improves face value. A simile is contagious and is an inexpensive way to improve looks. A smiling face is always welcome.

Differences and Conflicts:

Conflict is a normal part of healthy relationships. After all, two people can’t be expected to agree on everything at all times. Learning how to deal with conflict – rather than avoiding it – is crucial. When conflict is mismanaged, it harms the relationship, but when handled in a respectful, positive way, conflict provides an opportunity for growth, ultimately strengthening the bond between two people. If a person is not in agreement with our thought process, we hastily conclude & by default start doubting his/her integrity, sincerity and intentions.

Conflict Ladder:

Disagreements are a part of everyday life. Sometimes the disagreements become conflict situations and people can get very angry. There is a situation. You have told a secret to a friend and found out that it has been told to others. After finding out, you go to the friend to talk about it but the situation gets out of control. How one would react in such a situation. One should be able to identify four levels:

• Level one: You are angry but do not say anything, but your body language says it.
• Level Two: You disagree, you are able to talk but in an upset tone & explain what you feel.
• Level Three: You are quite angry, arguing and tone is loud. You use sarcastic language.
• Level Four: You are very angry, shouting, have absolutely no control on yourself and can get violent.

As we walk up the ladder, every time we do so, the conflict escalates: Let’s analyze this:

• How did the body language and the speech change ?
• If Level One is conflict, then how does not talking, pouting also create problems ?
• At what point do we think we had a chance for a positive resolution ?
• When did things get out of control ? How did we feel ?

Conflict often arises because we see a situation in different ways:

Each one believes that his or her perspective is right Disagreement arises because we cannot agree on a solution that takes into account each other’s opinion. In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments, and break-ups. In workplace conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes.

• A Conflict is More than Just a Disagreement: It is a situation in which one or both parties perceive the disagreement as a threat (whether or not the threat is real).
• Conflicts Continue to Fester when Ignored: Because conflicts involve perceived threats to our well-being and survival, they stay with us until we face and resolve them.
• We respond to Conflicts based on our Perceptions of the Situation, not necessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.
• Conflicts trigger Strong Emotions: If you aren’t comfortable with your emotions or able to manage them in times of stress, you won’t be able to resolve conflict successfully.
• Conflicts are an Opportunity for Growth: When you’re able to resolve conflict in a relationship, it builds trust. You can feel secure, knowing your relationship can survive challenges and disagreements.
• The Most Important Communication is Wordless: Simple non-verbal signals such as a calm tone of voice, a reassuring touch, or an interested or concerned facial expression can go a long way toward relaxing a tense exchange.
• Humour, judiciously used, cans Effectively Defuse Conflict: Humour can help say things that might otherwise be difficult to express without creating a flap. However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. Make conflict resolution the priority rather than winning or “being right.” Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
• Focus on the present: If you’re holding on to old hurts and resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the here-and-now to solve the problem.
• Be Willing to Forgive: Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
• Know when to Let Something Go: If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.

There are Many Ways to Resolve Disagreements: Most people use one way more than others. Sometimes it may work and sometimes it may not.

• Withdraw Temporarily: For example, B is so angry that A withdraws.
• Adjust: For example, A wants the same dress that B wants. A decides to let go of it this time and buys something else.
• Forcing another Person to Agree: For example, B insists that her/his solution is correct. A agrees.
• Find Alternatives: For example, A and B search for what to do. A wants the same dress that B wants. They try to look at other shops with same design, come again next week, ordered one more.
• Negotiate Win-Win: For example, creative problem solving. A wants the same dress B wants. Both decide to buy something else.
• Say Nothing: For example, B is upset but A refuses to respond.
• Do Whatever You Want: For example; B does what he/she wants. When conflict is not resolved by involving both persons in a positive manner, one may solve the problem but not feel happy about it.
• Lose-Lose: so much disagreement or violence, no one wins, because no one can even sit and discuss.
• Win-Lose: one forces the decision or one accepts it without bothering about the other, or one does not talk of the problem. Problem is resolved but one person is not happy. These are generally conventional ways of resolving conflict.
• Win-Win: a creative, new solution is found in which both feel happy. Some steps can be followed to make sure we reach a solution that is acceptable to both. Good communication and the skills one have helps in solving problems and conflicts.

A Simple Three Step Approach Is:

• Stop – Check out the situation: Are emotions high ? Have you stated your position clearly using ‘I’ words ? Do you know all the facts ? Do you understand the other’s point of view ?
• Think – What solution would be best ? Look for win-win solutions.
• Act – Try it out: and then try again if it does not work the first time.

Use a traffic signal to explain:

Resolving Conflicts:

• Tell the other person what’s bothering you – but do it nicely
• Listen to the other person’s point of view
• Try to understand how the other person is feeling
• Look for adjustment
• Walk away
• Stay calm – take deep breaths
• No name-calling or insults
• Don’t yell or raise your voice
• Agree to disagree
• Ask someone else to help (a parent, relative, etc.)

ੴ ਸਤਿ ਗੁਰ ਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ ॥ ਰਾਗੁ ਆਸਾ ਘਰੁ 2 ਮਹਲਾ 4 ॥

ਕਿਸ ਹੀ ਧੜਾ ਕੀਆ ਮਿਤ੍ਰ ਸੁਤ ਨਾਲਿ ਭਾਈ ॥

ਕਿਸ ਹੀ ਧੜਾ ਕੀਆ ਕੁੜਮ ਸਕੇ ਨਾਲਿ ਜਵਾਈ ॥

ਕਿਸ ਹੀ ਧੜਾ ਕੀਆ ਸਿਕਦਾਰ ਚਉਧਰੀ ਨਾਲਿ ਆਪਣੈ ਸੁਆਈ॥

ਹਮਾਰਾ ਧੜਾ ਹਰਿ ਰਹਿਆ ਸਮਾਈ ॥1॥

ਹਮ ਹਰਿ ਸਿਉ ਧੜਾ ਕੀਆ ਮੇਰੀ ਹਰਿ ਟੇਕ ॥

ਮੈ ਹਰਿ ਬਿਨੁ ਪਖੁ ਧੜਾ ਅਵਰੁ ਨ ਕੋਈ ਹਉ ਹਰਿ ਗੁਣ ਗਾਵਾ ਅਸੰਖ ਅਨੇਕ ॥1॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥  

Ikk-o-ang-kaar S-at Gur Pra-saad || Raag Aasaa Ghar 2 Mehlaa 4 ||

Kis Hee Dharhaa Kee-yaa Mit-r Su-t Naal Bhaaee||

Kis Hee Dharhaa Kee-yaa Kurh-am Sak-kay Naal Ja-vaaee ||

Kis Hee Dharhaa Kee-yaa Sik-daar Chau-dharee Naal Aap-nae Su-aaee ||

Ham-aaraa Dharhaa Har Rah-eyaa Sa-maaee || 1||

Ham Har Sio-n Dharhaa Kee-yaa May-ree Har Tay-k ||

Mai-n Har Bin Pa-kh Dharhaa Av-ar Na Ko-ee

Ha-u Har Gu-n Gaa-vaa Asa-nkh A-nek || 1 || Rahaa-u ||

(SGGS – Aasaa Mehla 4 – Page 366)

“Some form alliances with friends, children and siblings.

Some form alliances with in-laws and relatives.

Some form alliances with chiefs and leaders for their own selfish motives.

My alliance is with the Lord, who is pervading everywhere.”

Communication as a Tool:

Healthy interpersonal relationships are the heart and soul of human experience. Communication not only includes merely talking but listening also. Good listeners have a style that lets the speaker know that he/she is heard, understood, and cared about. A good reflective listener helps a speaker, sort out emotions and issues and puts the pieces together to make a problem more manageable. Good reflector can get very tired when listening to too many problems. It is okay to hint that you must end a session. It is okay to say, “I’m just too worried about something else to listen right now – let’s talk later”. It’ is important to say no when necessary and that there are gentle ways of doing this. Listening also entails communicating which gives the message of being understood.

1. STEP 1 – Let the person know you respect him/her by taking the time to set up a good listening situation with few distractions and enough time to listen effectively.
2. STEP 2 – Concentrate on what is being said. Make eye contact. Try to listen more and talk when appropriate.
3. STEP 3 – Listen and reflect the feelings behind the problem stated.          “You sound frustrated because the husband keeps saying he will help, but never follows through”
4. STEP 4 – Avoid the “closed responses” of the judge, Consoler, or Know-It-All.
5. STEP 5 – Do not make every situation a problem-solving session.

Often good reflective listening helps the person in need to solve the problem him/herself. Sometimes they will need to explore alternatives to solve the problem.

When we reflect in listening, we are trying to help the person in need truly understand their problem to maintain interpersonal relationships.

Body Language:

Good communication is the foundation of successful relationships, both personal and professional. But we communicate with much more than words. Most of the messages we send other people are non-verbal.

Non-verbal communication includes our facial expressions, gestures, eye contact, posture, and tone of voice. The ability to understand and use non-verbal communication, or body language, is a powerful tool that can help you connect with others, express what you really mean, and build better relationships. It is a vital form of communication—a natural, unconscious language that broadcasts our true feelings and intentions in any given moment, and clues us in to the feelings and intentions of those around us. When we interact with others, we continuously give and receive wordless signals. All of our non-verbal behaviors—the gestures we make, the way we sit, how fast or how loud we talk, how close we stand, how much eye contact we make—send strong messages. These messages don’t stop when you stop speaking either. Even when you’re silent, you’re still communicating nonverbally.

Oftentimes, what we say and what we communicate through body language are two totally different things. When faced with these mixed signals, the listener has to choose whether to believe your verbal or non-verbal message, and, in most cases, they’re going to choose non-verbal. The way you listen, look, move, and react tells the other person whether or not you care, if you’re being truthful, and how well you’re listening. When your non-verbal signals match up with the words you’re saying, they increase trust, clarity, and rapport. When they don’t, they generate tension, mistrust, and confusion. If you want to communicate better in all areas of your life, it’s important to become more sensitive to body language and other non-verbal cues, so you can be more in tune with the thoughts and feelings of others. You also need to be aware of the signals you’re sending off, so you can be sure that the messages you’re sending are what you really want to communicate.

• Facial Expressions: The human face is extremely expressive, able to express countless emotions without saying a word. And unlike some forms of non-verbal communication, facial expressions are universal. The facial expressions for happiness, sadness, anger, surprise, fear, and disgust are the same across cultures.
• Body movements and posture: Consider how our perceptions of people are affected by the way they sit, walk, stand up, or hold their head. The way one moves and carries oneself communicates a wealth of information to the world. This type of non-verbal communication includes our posture, bearing, stance, and subtle movements.
• Gestures: These are woven into the fabric of our daily lives. We wave, point, beckon, and use our hands when we’re arguing or speaking animatedly—expressing ourselves with gestures often without thinking. However, the meaning of gestures can be very different across cultures and regions, so it’s important to be careful to avoid misinterpretation.
• Eye Contact: Since the visual sense is dominant for most people; eye contact is an especially important type of non-verbal communication. The way one looks at someone can communicate many things, including interest, affection, hostility, or attraction. Eye contact is also important in maintaining the flow of conversation and for gauging the other person’s response.
• Touch: We communicate a great deal through touch. Think about the messages given by the following: a firm handshake, a timid tap on the shoulder, a warm bear hug, a reassuring pat on the back, a patronizing pat on the head, or a controlling grip on your arm.
• Space: Have you ever felt uncomfortable during a conversation because the other person was standing too close and invading your space ? We all have a need for physical space, although that need differs depending on the culture, the situation, and the closeness of the relationship. One can use physical space to communicate many different nonverbal messages, including signals of intimacy, aggression, dominance, or affection.
• Voice: It’s not just what one says, it’s how one says it. When we speak, other people “read” our voices in addition to listening to our words. Things they pay attention to include your timing and pace, how loud one speaks, our tone and inflection, and sound that convey understanding, such as “ahh” and “uh-huh.” Think about how tone of voice, for example, can indicate sarcasm, anger, affection, or confidence.

ੴ ਸਤਿ ਗੁਰ ਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ ॥ ਰਾਗੁ ਸੂਹੀ ਮਹਲਾ 5 ਛੰਤ ॥

ਮਿਠ ਬੋਲੜਾ ਜੀ ਹਰਿ ਸਜਣੁ ਸੁਆਮੀ ਮੋਰਾ ॥

ਹਉ ਸੰਮਲਿ ਥਕੀ ਜੀ ਓਹੁ ਕਦੇ ਨ ਬੋਲੈ ਕਉਰਾ ॥

ਕਉੜਾ ਬੋਲਿ ਨ ਜਾਨੈ ਪੂਰਨ ਭਗਵਾਨੈ ਅਉਗਣੁ ਕੋ ਨ ਚਿਤਾਰੇ ॥

ਪਤਿਤ ਪਾਵਨੁ ਹਰਿ ਬਿਰਦੁ ਸਦਾਏ ਇਕੁ ਤਿਲੁ ਨਹੀ ਭੰਨੈ ਘਾਲੇ॥

ਘਟ ਘਟ ਵਾਸੀ ਸਰਬ ਨਿਵਾਸੀ ਨੇਰੈ ਹੀ ਤੇ ਨੇਰਾ ॥

ਨਾਨਕ ਦਾਸੁ ਸਦਾ ਸਰਣਾਗਤਿ ਹਰਿ ਅੰਮ੍ਰਿਤ ਸਜਣੁ ਮੇਰਾ ॥1॥

ikk-o-ang-kaar S-at Gur Pra-saad || Raag Soo-hee Mehlaa 5 Chhan-t ||

Mith Bolrhaa Jee Har Sajan Su-aamee Mo-raa ||

Ha-u Sam-mal Thak-kee Jee O-h Kaday Na Bo-lae Ka-uraa ||

Ka-urhaa Bol Na Jaa-nae Poor-an Bhagvaa-nae A-ugan K-o Na Chitaa-ray ||

Patit Paavan Har Bi-rad Sadaa-ay Ikk Til Nahee Bhan-nae Ghaa-lay ||

Ghat Ghat Vaa-see Sar-b Nivaa-see Nay-rae Hee Tay Nay-raa ||

Naanak Daas S-adaa Sarnaa-gat Har Amrit Sajan May-raa || 1 ||

(SGGS – Raag Soohee Mehla 5 Chhant – Page 784)

“My Dear Lord and Master, my Friend, speaks so sweetly.

I have grown weary of testing Him, but still,

He never speaks harshly to me.

He does not know any bitter words;

The Perfect Lord God does not even consider my faults and demerits.”

(–ਚਲਦਾ–Continued in next month’s issue)

Transforming Relations (part-9)

A Journey from Autumn to Spring – The Secrets of Blissful Living

ਡਾ. ਪੁਸ਼ਪਿੰਦਰ ਸਿੰਘ (ਲੁਧਿਆਣਾ) ੦੯੮੧੪੧–੧੭੧੮੦

6th Chapter – Understanding Relationships –2nd Part

Emotional Intelligence

Each one of us has experienced a variety of emotions and feelings: happy, sad, angry, nervous, confusion, worry, fear, love, shame, surprise, disgust and many more. We all express them in our own unique way. Understanding our feelings is the first step in learning how to have more control over them. We all need to understand that it is normal to have strong feelings and that no feeling is “bad.” Cultural norms, family upbringing and gender are some of the factors that affect the expression of feelings. Feelings, if viewed as “bad” or “wrong,” can be bottled up and suppressed. The result is that we are unable to channel these emotions appropriately. These emotions of stress, sadness and grief need to be expressed if a life path towards positive living is to be reached.

Feelings That Hurt

Feelings that hurt are part of our feeling “bad.” Such feelings are normal, but one needs to learn to express them in ways that do not harm but instead lead to positive behavior. Denying such feelings does not help. Keeping them bottled up also will affect a person in ways that appear seemingly unconnected and may create emotional and physical problems. Some feelings like anger can motivate us to constructive action. Many cultures feel that it is important to “bottle up” emotions because their expression is not socially acceptable, such as indicating likes and dislikes or saying a blunt “no.”

Blow Up the Balloon

We tend to keep many feelings that hurt locked away inside us. When the accumulated load of hurts become too much to manage, they burst out like a pressure cooker. By then we have no control over them. But if we are more aware of our feelings, we can express them in ways that are safe and do not harm others or us. We do not allow them to build up. Take a balloon and blow it up, imagining the balloons as some of the feelings one have. They have not been expressed and they are getting bigger and bigger inside. Some of the feelings are those of sadness, anger or fear. What would happen if one continued to blow up the balloon (it would burst). Say, one is upset but now angry (blow up the balloon more), now really mad (blow more), one feels like hitting someone or something and shouting (blow up more, the balloon may burst). Now, blow up another balloon. Imagine a situation where one of us was upset with her/his friend because s/he did not come yesterday as promised and made one wait for hours. The next day you talked to friend about how upset you were and felt better. Symbolize this by not blowing the balloon any further, but letting it stay the size it was. As one realized that s/he had to rush to the hospital because his/her younger sibling was hurt badly. The anger goes away. So let the air out of the balloon slowly. Use an example for sadness or fear as well.

Close Your Eyes and Imagine the Balloon

It is filled with feelings of sadness, intense anger and fear. These feelings are getting bigger and bigger. But then one finds someone to talk to, or tell yourself you are good. Take a deep breath & relax.

The balloon starts getting smaller because air is slowly going out of it. When we relax and talk, we feel good. All the feelings that hurt are becoming smaller. Eventually they become so small that the balloon becomes limp and is blown away by the wind. Feel the balloon blowing away. Feel light as if a weight has been lifted. Relax and open your eyes. One feels so much better.

• What sorts of balloons do one have, full ones ready to burst or soft ones?
• Can negative feelings go away if you want them to?
• How do one help oneself, how can others help you?
• Keep a diary for recording how one worked with feelings:

How many times did the feeling “balloon” burst?

What helped one to ‘deflate’ it? How did others help?

• It’s not the situation that is overwhelming, but our reaction to it. A reactive mind inflates the problem, blowing things out of proportion. A slight change in perspective can help tremendously. It is only through study, reflection and self-effort that one can transform a weak mind into a strong mind.
• It is very important to be aware of one’s feelings. Once you can identify your emotions, you can find ways to express them in a healthy way. This is called Emotional Intelligence. This way, you don’t allow your negative emotions to take control of you, or display any undesirable behavior. It allows us to find constructive solutions and make balanced decisions, even in moments of sorrow or trouble.” Emotions are transient. They rise and pass and like a wave in the sea.
• So there’s no need to hold on to them and let them trouble you. Understand that you are experiencing the emotion, but you are not the emotion.” When we become aware of our feelings and use our head and heart in balance, we can easily identify our own emotions and that of others as well.
• Do you know the difference between responding and reacting? When we react, we act on our immediate emotions but when we respond, we pause for a moment and think the best way to express our emotions. When we react, we are like a bottle of soda that has just been shaken and is flowing uncontrollably. But when we respond, we are like a bottle of water which gets a little bit affected when shaken, but then quickly settles down. ‘Having control over our emotions puts us in a better position to respond correctly and act sensibly rather than being carried away by a gust of emotion. Now, which kind of a person will be better-liked and trusted-the fizzy soda type or the cool, water type?” The world to us is how it occurs to our mind. All our relationships, achievements” aspirations, emotions, likes and dislikes are a product of this game of the mind. Mind management is the ability to be in command of your mind and channelize it to effectively achieve empowerment. It is a process of constant awareness, self-effort and initiative and then it gradually becomes an innate way of being.
• Mastering the skill of mind management is of utmost importance to achieve our potential and experience fulfillment, as our best friend and worst enemy is our own mind.

A wonderful exercise you can do to develop calmness within you. Sit quietly in a comfortable position away from the noisy humdrum of daily life. Close your eyes and Start watching your breath. Watch the inhalation and exhalation. Do not consciously modify your breathing. Just be aware of your breathing. As time passes by, you will see that your attention drifts to your thoughts and the chain of thoughts distract you. As soon as you realize that, focus your attention back on your breathing.

• We respond to the situation: Not necessarily to an objective review of the facts. Our perceptions are influenced by our life experiences, culture, values, and beliefs.
• We see things not the way they are, but the way we are: There is a legend about a wise man who was sitting outside his village. A traveler came up and asked him, “What kind of people live in this village, because I am looking to move from my present one?” The wise man asked, “What kinds of people live where you want to move from?” The man said, “They are mean, cruel, and rude.” The wise man replied, “The same kinds of people live in this village too.” After some time another traveler came by and asked the same question and the wise man asked him, “What kind of people live where you want to move from?” And the traveler replied, “The people are very kind, courteous, polite and good.” The wise man said, “You will find the same kind of people here too.
• “In every street there is a Mrs. Judgment and Mrs. Honesty. One day Mrs. Honesty decided to visit Mrs. Judgment. As soon as Mrs. Honesty arrived, Mrs. Judgment began to complain about her new neighbors, a family of foreigners. “She is a terrible housekeeper”, said Mrs. Judgment, “you should see how dirty her children are…and as for her house! It is almost a disgrace to be living in the same neighborhood. Just take a look at the clothes she has hung on the line, see the black streaks on the sheets and towels. Mrs. Honesty walked up to the window to look, “Actually the clothes are quite clean, my dear. The streaks are on your window!”

Put Positive Interpretation on Other People’s Behavior

In the absence of sufficient facts, people instinctively put a negative interpretation on others’ actions or inactions. Some people suffer from “paranoia”; they think the world is out to get them. That is not true.

Emotional Intelligence

1. Become Emotionally Literate. Label your feelings and motivations, rather than labeling other people or situations. Here are a few perceived situations/examples:

“I feel impatient — vs. H” “You’re wasting my time.”

“I feel tired — vs. H” “Nobody gives me a break.”

“I feel hurt and insecure — vs. H” “You are an insensitive jerk.”

“I feel unloved — vs. H” “Nobody loves me.”

“I wish I had more time with you — vs. H” “You don’t have time for me.”

Acknowledge that your feelings are temporary and don’t blow them out of proportion. Be specific about how you feel.

“I am feeling a little low right now — vs. H” “I’m totally depressed.”

“Let’s talk a little later; I’m quite agitated now — vs. H” “I don’t want to talk to you ever again!”

“Please leave me alone for a while — vs. H” “Get lost!”

“I feel uncomfortable around her — vs. H” “I hate her”

2. Distinguish between facts and feelings/assumptions. When in doubt, always check first. Don’t jump to conclusions:

“Are you avoiding me? — vs. H””I know you’re avoiding me.”

 “Why didn’t you pick up your phone all day? — vs. H”” Why are you ignoring me?”

3. Take more responsibility for your feelings:

“I feel jealous — vs. H” You are making me jealous.”

Analyze your own feelings rather than the actions or motives of other people. Let your feelings help you identify your unmet emotional needs, and take steps to become more emotionally independent.

4. Use your feelings constructively to guide your decision:

Ask yourself: “How will I feel if I do this?” Or, “How will I feel if I don’t?” “What would help me feel better?” Or, “How do I really feel about this person?” “Am I really happy with this job?”

Ask others: “How do you feel?” Or, “What would help you feel better?”

“I’ve been feeling a little unsettled lately. I think we should talk about our relationship.”

“I have a bad feeling about taking on this project, can we discuss it?”

“I’ve lately been feeling bored and aimless. I think I should explore a new hobby.”

5. Allow Your Emotions to Energize You Instead of Wearing You Out:

Channelize emotions of anger or frustration into productive action.

For example, you may say, “I feel frustrated about all the tension between my colleagues at work, how can I help resolve it?”

Harmony

Once in a while when someone treats us kindly and respectfully, we feel so delighted with his affectionate treatment of us. Unfortunately, today, man has veered away from such a noble course of promoting mutual harmony and welfare among his fellow beings, perhaps because of his renewed priorities of acquiring more and more wealth, which leaves little time for him to reflect upon and emulate the good deeds of his elders.

Let’s try to find out why we cannot get along with each other harmoniously as before. Not only our WILL for good of each other is on the decline but it seems to be disappearing altogether. It is affecting not only a particular religion or family, caste or creed, community or country; rather entire humanity. Let us not waste time passing the buck to find out who is at fault for this unhappy state of affairs. Nor we can afford to feel smug in self-satisfaction that all is well with the world and it’s best to leave such trivialities alone. This way we cannot cure ourselves of the malaise we are suffering from.

Our relationship and attitude towards a person depends upon the image we have been carrying about him. It is not necessary that whatever image we have conjured up about others or even for ourselves, can bear the scrutiny of logic. More often than not, the image created by us is solely to suit our own viewpoint, right or wrong. As long as we feel secure with such an image, it ought to be right, so we presume! We do not give much credence to the actual truth but prefer to follow our own presumptions. The basic reasons for disharmony among us are the ‘creation of image’. This is the first milestone on the road to misunderstanding, which reminds us of the ever-increasing gulf and aloofness in our relations with each other. But, is it humanly possible that we do not form any image about others or ourselves in our day to day life?

Yes, It Is Possible

We only have to learn to restrain ourselves from forming any hasty judgments or having preconceived notions about others as well as of ourselves. Our flights of imagination become the basis of our image formation; fancy edging out fact, illusion getting the better of truth. The litmus test of ‘believing’ as per the old school of thought was ‘seeing with your own eyes and listening with your own ears’. But the new philosophy being propounded by the smart thinkers of the day warns us, ostensibly for the benefit of mankind, that even what you see with your own eyes and hear your own ears might not be the real truth but merely a figment of your own imagination based upon various misconceptions.

ਸੋਰਠਿ ਮਹਲਾ 5 ॥

ਸੁਖੀਏ ਕਉ ਪੇਖੈ ਸਭ ਸੁਖੀਆ ਰੋਗੀ ਕੈ ਭਾਣੈ ਸਭ ਰੋਗੀ ॥

ਕਰਣ ਕਰਾਵਨਹਾਰ ਸੁਆਮੀ ਆਪਨ ਹਾਥਿ ਸੰਜੋਗੀ ॥1॥

ਮਨ ਮੇਰੇ ਜਿਨਿ ਅਪੁਨਾ ਭਰਮੁ ਗਵਾਤਾ ॥

ਤਿਸ ਕੈ ਭਾਣੈ ਕੋਇ ਨ ਭੂਲਾ ਜਿਨਿ ਸਗਲੋ ਬ੍ਰਹਮੁ ਪਛਾਤਾ ॥ ਰਹਾਉ॥

(SGGS – Sorath Mehla 5 – Page 610)

Su-khee-ay Ka-u Pay-Khae Sabh Sukhee-yaa

Rogee Kae Bhaanae Sabh Rogee ||

Karan Karaa-van-haar Su-aamee Aapan Haath Sanjogee ||

Man May-ray Jin Ap-unaa Bharam Ga-vaataa ||

Tis Kae Bhanae Ko-e Na Bhoolaa Jin Sa-glay Brahm Pachhaataa || Rahaa-u ||

It is said that our perception of things gets conditioned by the way we like to think about them, not the way they actually are.

Similarly we judge people and situations depending upon the images we are already carrying about them in our mind.

This means that thinking creates an image regarding others, or, ‘the image gets created as per our thoughts’. This is a very significant point for evaluating people. In other words, whatever thoughts we carry about a person in our mind, get fixated as our judgment of him, the rationale of which we cannot satisfactorily explain without inviting some awkward queries and embarrassing consequences.

We now understand that good or bad image about someone is created by our own ‘thinking’. But, then, how do these ‘thoughts’ originate in the first place? Our thoughts are produced by the impressions left deep in our mind of the incidents taking place in our daily life as also the environment that surrounds us. This means that the image gets created due to thinking, but the thinking takes place because of our memory, which itself is but a reflection of our past, experiences.

Hence, image takes shape because of our memory and memory is the cumulative reflection of the so called knowledge we have acquired in the past. But, ironically, this very knowledge, which in itself is incomplete, becomes instrumental in giving shape to our judgments about others! ‘There is nothing good or bad but thinking making it so’ our insufficient knowledge and thinking capacity causes discontentment in our lives.

• I want to make myself happy
• I want to make others happy
• The others want to make themselves happy
• The others want to make me happy

What is the answer?

• I am able to make myself happy
• I am able to make others always happy
• The others are able to make themselves always happy
• The others are able to make me always happy.

The first four questions are related to our natural acceptance i.e. intention and the next four to our competence.

“To be assured that the intention of the other is always correct is trust”

We generally evaluate ourselves on the basis of our intention and other on the basis of their competence. If we have trust on intention, we have a feeling of being related to the other & we start helping the other to improve his/her competence, if he/she does not have it.

We don’t hesitate to blame others for all problems knowing that we might also be equally responsible for giving rise to such a state of things. We want to remain oblivious of our own shortcomings and do not listen to our inner conscience, thus falling prey to misunderstanding others for the rest of our lives.

We need to take stock of our real self: that our incomplete knowledge was responsible for our incomplete thinking, which led us to think unkindly and unfairly about others. Entrapped in prejudice, one can never think clearly and fairly.

ਮਨ ਤੂੰ ਜੋਤਿ ਸਰੂਪੁ ਹੈ ਆਪਣਾ ਮੂਲੁ ਪਛਾਣੁ ॥

ਮਨ ਹਰਿ ਜੀ ਤੇਰੈ ਨਾਲਿ ਹੈ ਗੁਰਮਤੀ ਰੰਗੁ ਮਾਣੁ ॥

ਮੂਲੁ ਪਛਾਣਹਿ ਤਾਂ ਸਹੁ ਜਾਣਹਿ ਮਰਣ ਜੀਵਣ ਕੀ ਸੋਝੀ ਹੋਈ ॥

ਗੁਰ ਪਰਸਾਦੀ ਏਕੋ ਜਾਣਹਿ ਤਾਂ ਦੂਜਾ ਭਾਉ ਨ ਹੋਈ ॥

ਮਨਿ ਸਾਂਤਿ ਆਈ ਵਜੀ ਵਧਾਈ ਤਾ ਹੋਆ ਪਰਵਾਣੁ ॥

ਇਉ ਕਹੈ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਮਨ ਤੂੰ ਜੋਤਿ ਸਰੂਪੁ ਹੈ ਅਪਣਾ ਮੂਲੁ ਪਛਾਣੁ ॥5॥

ਮਨ ਤੂੰ ਗਾਰਬਿ ਅਟਿਆ ਗਾਰਬਿ ਲਦਿਆ ਜਾਹਿ ॥

ਮਾਇਆ ਮੋਹਣੀ ਮੋਹਿਆ ਫਿਰਿ ਫਿਰਿ ਜੂਨੀ ਭਵਾਹਿ ॥

ਗਾਰਬਿ ਲਾਗਾ ਜਾਹਿ ਮੁਗਧ ਮਨ ਅੰਤਿ ਗਇਆ ਪਛੁਤਾਵਹੇ ॥

ਅਹੰਕਾਰੁ ਤਿਸਨਾ ਰੋਗੁ ਲਗਾ ਬਿਰਥਾ ਜਨਮੁ ਗਵਾਵਹੇ ॥

ਮਨਮੁਖ ਮੁਗਧ ਚੇਤਹਿ ਨਾਹੀ ਅਗੈ ਗਇਆ ਪਛੁਤਾਵਹੇ ॥

ਇਉ ਕਹੈ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਮਨ ਤੂੰ ਗਾਰਬਿ ਅਟਿਆ ਗਾਰਬਿ ਲਦਿਆ ਜਾਵਹੇ ॥6॥

ਮਨ ਤੂੰ ਮਤ ਮਾਣੁ ਕਰਹਿ ਜਿ ਹਉ ਕਿਛੁ ਜਾਣਦਾ ਗੁਰਮੁਖਿ ਨਿਮਾਣਾ ਹੋਹੁ ॥

ਅੰਤਰਿ ਅਗਿਆਨੁ ਹਉ ਬੁਧਿ ਹੈ ਸਚਿ ਸਬਦਿ ਮਲੁ ਖੋਹੁ ॥

ਹੋਹੁ ਨਿਮਾਣਾ ਸਤਿਗੁਰੂ ਅਗੈ ਮਤ ਕਿਛੁ ਆਪੁ ਲਖਾਵਹੇ ॥

ਆਪਣੈ ਅਹੰਕਾਰਿ ਜਗਤੁ ਜਲਿਆ ਮਤ ਤੂੰ ਆਪਣਾ ਆਪੁ ਗਵਾਵਹੇ॥

ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਕੈ ਭਾਣੈ ਕਰਹਿ ਕਾਰ ਸਤਿਗੁਰ ਕੈ ਭਾਣੈ ਲਾਗਿ ਰਹੁ ॥

ਇਉ ਕਹੈ ਨਾਨਕੁ ਆਪੁ ਛਡਿ ਸੁਖ ਪਾਵਹਿ ਮਨ ਨਿਮਾਣਾ ਹੋਇ ਰਹੁ ॥7॥ 

(SGGS – Aasaa Mehla 3 – Page 441)

Man Tu Jot-e Sarop Hae Aapnaa Mool Pachhaan ||

Man Har Jee Tay-ray Naal Hae Gurmatee R-ang Maan ||

Mool Pachhaa-neh Taa-n Sah-u Jaa-neh Maran Jeevan Kee Sojhee Hoee ||

Gur Parsaadee Eak-o Jaa-nayh Taa-n Doojaa Bhaa-u Na Hoee ||

Man Saa-ant Aayee Vajee Vadhaayee Taa Hoaa Parvaan ||

Ioa-n Kahey Naanak Man Too-n Jot Saroop Hae Apnaa Mool Pachhaan || 5 ||

Man Too-n Gaarab At-iaa Gaarab Lad-iyaa Jaa-ih||

Maayaa Mohnee Mohiyaa Phir Phir Joonee Bha-vaa-ih ||

Gaar-ib Laagaa Jaa-ih Mugadh Man A-nt Ga-iyaa Pachh-u-taa-vaeh ||

Ahn-kaar Tris-naa Rog-u La-gaa Birthaa Janam Gavav-ih ||

Manmukh Mugadh Chay-teh Naa-hee Ag-gae Ga-i-yaa Pachh-u-taa-vaeh ||

Iao-n Kahey Naanak Man Too-n Gaarib At-iaa Gaarib Lad-iyaa Jaa-ih || 6 ||

Man Too-n Ma-t Maan Kar-ih J-I H-au

Kichh Jaan-daa Gurmukh Nimaanaa Ho-ah ||

Ant-ar A-gi-aan Ha-u Budh Hae Sach Sabad M-al Kh-oh ||

Ho-ah Nimaanaa Satguroo Ag-gae Ma-t Kichh Aap Lakhaa-vah-en ||

“O’ Man! You have the light of god in you; visualize the truth in your own heart. If you are intelligent enough, don’t blame others, look for your own shortcomings. Thus harmonized relationship between ourselves can be resurrected once again if only we desist from the practice of building preconceived opinions and images. One simple plan to make our family happier is to learn and practice to control Kaam (Lust), Krodh (Anger), Lobh (Greed), Moh (Selfish Love) and Hankaar (Ego) in our lives. By controlling Kaam one becomes a virtuous person, controlling Krodh one becomes a fighter to fight only against injustice, controlling Lobh one acquires the quality of contentment, Controlling Moh one learns to practice True love and by controlling Hankaar one acquires the quality of self-esteem with humility.”

(—ਚਲਦਾ– ——— Continued in next month’s issue)