Transforming Relations-Part 3


Transforming Relations-3

A Journey from Autumn to Spring – The Secrets of Blissful Living


Father-Mother & Son-Daughter:

In the relationship of father-mother and son-daughter, let us start with father-mother.

In motherly feelings the essence of the relationship is with acknowledgment of body (as nourishment) and in the fatherly feelings gives priority to values, awakening along with nourishment of body. In essence, Mother’s priority is nourishment and Father’s priority is protection. Every human-child recognizes his mother and father. This recognition is also an indication of healthy childhood. The values with which father and mother present themselves are ‘care’ and ‘guidance’. The value of care gets manifested in the form of duty of providing nourishment. Therefore the role of mother is primarily care along with guidance. Mother herself holds and carries the value of care. The guardians (or parents) want their child’s all-round progress and after some age they want to see its evidence.

Parents Have Expectations…

For example – in infant-stage, the upbringing is the only duty of mother-father towards their son-daughter and their only expectation from child is a smile. In adolescence, they want to see some education and refinement in language. After adolescence, they wish to see good civilized behavior in their children. In terms of civilized behavior, essentially the father-mother wants to get the feeling of gratitude from their child and for getting this invaluable treasure they devote their body, mind and wealth for serving their children. The only wish of every mother and father is all round resolution, prosperity and well-being for their children and at the root they expect gratitude from them. The children, who are not grateful to their mother-father and teacher, are necessarily ungrateful; from which they themselves remain in conflict and give conflicts to others.

Husband & Wife:

The ultimate accomplishment of marital life is behavior as ‘one thought process and two bodies’: The fulfillment of behavior in marital life is about relationships and associations. This means that marital-life is two in the form of individuals and one in the form of thought process & behavior.

In order to experience ‘one thought process and two bodies’ – they have to foresee the opportunity; for both sides need and accomplishment is, to fulfill their mutual relationship and association, without any conflicts (disagreements) between them. As far as reputation, respect, prestige and fame are concerned, these are common for both husband and wife and whenever anyone gets them – it gets distributed equally to other also and it is accepted also. This in itself is the evidence of husband-wife belonging to the concept as ‘one thought process, two bodies’.

The value of trust is absolutely necessary in all human relationships:

This is the crux of recognizing relationships. After all “given” relationships are recognized, it comes to fulfilling these relationships for the life-time. This in itself is the evidence of awakened human tradition. Among all relationships, the relationship of husband-wife is one of the most significant one. In this relationship along with trust; the values of respect, affection and love are continuously experienced or are experienced from time to time. At the minimum, the value of trust continues. The value of love is combined expression of kindness, graciousness and compassion. In this aspect – the values of kindness, graciousness and compassion getting expressed and appraised in husband and the same becoming expressed and appraised in wife itself is love. Mutual-appraisal naturally happens based on individual abilities in relationships. Mutual appraisal in a relationship is a “regular process”. Regular means – it’s coming into routine. Process means – appraising attentively. This mutual appraisal becomes natural after its repetition many times. Such appraisal of other’s receptivity according to one’s ability and appreciation of other’s ability according to one’s receptivity is absolutely necessary in a husband-wife relationship. It is only with this mutual appraisal that balance in receptivity and ability of husband and wife is achieved. It is not possible that either husband or wife or both do not have any ability of receptivity. This is not even possible in any married life or in any adult or young person. It is possible though that the ability and receptivity in one person is less or more than the other person. It is for achieving balance in these that marital-life is found to be highly useful. To ignore these facts and intents alone is the cause of misery and difficulties – which itself is delusion.

Brother and Sister:

The relationship of brother and sister is also known by the feeling of camaraderie: In this relationship there is expectation and enthusiasm for mutual awakening. The awakening of one encourages awakening of other. For example – if a sister has some specific good characteristics then the extent she is happy with those, her brother is happy about them to the same extent or more. It is the same way between two/more brothers and/or sisters.

The brother and sister relationship gets recognized after a certain age and with that they start doing mutual-appraisal of their obedience, helpfulness and following as per the expectations of their awakened family. The same happens with friends as well. When brother and sister start doing appraisal of each other on these issues, then too they have the relationship of obedience and emulation with their guardians and teachers. All these aspects become clear in this appraisal process. Preciseness in expression of helpfulness keeps improving. In the adolescent age there is an aspect of discipline among brother-sister, brother-brother and sister-sister relationship. Discipline through obedience is only one-sided, while discipline gets naturally accepted by children when their teachers and guardians live what they say. On the basis of these facts alone, the child starts connecting the discipline which he follows with his/her thoughts. Along with this, the child starts thinking about what is necessary and what is unnecessary, what is useful and what is useless. In this way discipline starts getting accepted based on its necessity and usefulness also.

Slowly every child becomes proficient in discipline. The child going through such thought processes starts the process of arriving at conclusions in oneself and to have firm stability of these conclusions itself had been the intent of obedience and discipline. As one reaches the adult-age, self-discipline naturally becomes a need. This, in itself, is the expectation and realization of human consciousness and becomes universalized through education. In this way, living with these acceptances in work, behavior and thoughts – the brothers, sisters and friends continue realizing the values of trust, respect and affection, along with mutual-appraisal. In this way these relationships primarily have the values of trust, respect and affection and along with this – the value of love remains to be realized.


The equality in resolution and prosperity itself is the relationship of friends and collaboration in all-round resolution itself is known as friendship. In this relationship, it is necessary that if one side gets into some adverse situation or circumstances then the other side starts working towards rescuing the friend from that situation or circumstance by spending all his means (body, mind and wealth). This in itself is the ultimate accomplishment of friendship. The difficulty of the friend stuck in a situation gets perceived by the other friend. The test of friendship is that the other side precisely understands the difficulties and if there is a solution for that situation, then he devotes his energies towards that solution.

The continuity of friendship is realized only from behavior of justice. When duties and responsibilities are fulfilled in these relationships of friends, then these prove to be nurturing – otherwise these prove to be exploitative. In the relationship of friends the values of trust, respect and affection are primary, while the value of love remains to be evidenced.

Parents and Temperament:

An old man was sitting in the courtyard of his house along with his son who had received high education. Suddenly a crow perched on a wall of the house. The old father asked the son, “What is this ?” The son replied, “It is a crow.” After a little while the old father again asked the son, “What is this ?” The son said, “It is a crow.” After a few minutes he again asked his son for the third time, “What is this ?” The son replied, “Father, I have just now told you that this is a crow.”

After a little while the old father again asked his son for the fourth time, “What is this ?” At this time some expression of irritation was felt in the son’s tone when he said to his father with a rebuff, “Father! It is a crow, a crow.”

A little after the father again asked his son, “What is this ?” This time the son replied to his father with a vein of temper, “Father, you are asking the same question repeatedly; although I have told you so many times that it is a crow. Are you not able to understand this ?”

A little later the father went to his room and came back with an old diary. Opening a page he asked his son to read that. When the son read it the following words were written in the diary:-

“Today my little son was sitting with me in the courtyard, when a crow came there. My son asked me twenty-five times what it was and I told him twenty-five times that it was a crow and I did not at all feel irritated. I rather felt affection for the innocent child.”

The father then told the son the difference between a father and a son’s attitude saying, “While as a little child, you asked me this question twenty-five times and I felt no irritation in replying to the question twenty-five times and when today I asked you the same question only five times, you felt irritated and annoyed !!!”

“And God has decreed that you worship none but Him, And that you be dutiful to your parents, if one of them or both of them attain old age with you, do not say UFF to them, nor repulse them, but speak to them a gracious word.

And lower to them the wing of submission and humbleness to both of them and pray to Almighty: Have mercy on them both, as they cared for me and brought me up when I was a little child.’

ਕਾਹੇ ਪੂਤ ਝਗਰਤ ਹਉ ਸੰਗਿ ਬਾਪ ॥  ਜਿਨ ਕੇ ਜਣੇ ਬਡੀਰੇ ਤੁਮ ਹਉ

ਤਿਨ ਸਿਉ ਝਗਰਤ ਪਾਪ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥ (SGGS – Sarang Mehla 4 – Page 1200)

Kaahay Poot Jhagrat Ha-u San-g Baap ll

Jin Kay Janay Badeeray Tum Ha-u

Tin Si-u Jhagrat Paap ll 1 ll Rahaa-u ll (Page 1200)

“Why ? O son! You quarrel with your father ? It is a sin to quarrel with him who begot you and brought you up”


ਸੁਤੁ ਅਪਰਾਧ ਕਰਤ ਹੈ ਜੇਤੇ    ਜਨਨੀ ਚੀਤਿ ਰਾਖਸਿ ਤੇਤੇ  

ਰਾਮਈਆ ਹਉ ਬਾਰਿਕੁ ਤੇਰਾ   ਕਾਹੇ ਖੰਡਸਿ ਅਵਗਨੁ ਮੇਰਾ ਰਹਾਉ

 (SGGS–Raag Aasaa Bhagat Kabeer Jee-Page 478)

Aasaa ll

Sut Apraadh Karat Hae Jaytay ll Jannee Cheet Na Raakhas Taytay ll 1 ll

Raam-ee-aa Ha-u Baarik Tayraa ll Kaahay Na Kh-ndas Avgan Mayraa ll 1 ll Rahaa-u ll

Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law and a four year old grandson. The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred and his step faltered. The family ate together at the dinner table. But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating rather difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, often milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. “We must do something about grand-father,” said the son. I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. The grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner at the dinner table. Since grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. Sometimes when the family glanced in grand-father’s direction, he had a tear in his eyes as he ate alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food. The four-year old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making ?” Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and mama to eat your food from when I grow up.” The four-year-old boy smiled and went back to work. The words so struck the parents that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled or the tablecloth soiled. Children are remarkably perceptive. Their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb. If they see us patiently providing a happy homely atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives. The wise parents realize that every day those building blocks are being laid for the child’s future. Let us all be wise builders and role models. Take care of ourselves and those you love today and every day!

ਰਾਗੁ ਗਉੜੀ ਬੈਰਾਗਣਿ ਕਬੀਰ ਜੀ 

ੴ ਸਤਿ ਗੁਰ ਪ੍ਰਸਾਦਿ ॥ 

ਜੀਵਤ ਪਿਤਰ ਨ ਮਾਨੈ ਕੋਊ ਮੂਏਂ ਸਿਰਾਧ ਕਰਾਹੀ ॥ 

ਪਿਤਰ ਭੀ ਬਪੁਰੇ ਕਹੁ ਕਿਉ ਪਾਵਹਿ ਕਊਆ ਕੂਕਰ ਖਾਹੀ ॥੧॥ 

ਮੋ ਕਉ ਕੁਸਲੁ ਬਤਾਵਹੁ ਕੋਈ ॥  ਕੁਸਲੁ ਕੁਸਲੁ ਕਰਤੇ ਜਗੁ ਬਿਨਸੈ

ਕੁਸਲੁ ਭੀ ਕੈਸੇ ਹੋਈ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥ (SGGS – Raag Gaurhee Bairaagan Kabeer jee – Page 332)

Ikk Oangkaar Sat-Gur Prasaad ll

Raag Gaurhee Bairaagan Kabeer Jee ll

Jeevat Pitar Na Maanai Ko-oo Mu-ay Siraadh Karaahee ll

Pitar Bhee Bapuray Kah-u Ki-u Paav-hi Ka-oo-aa Kookar Khaahee ll 1 ll

Mo Ka-u Kusal Bataav-hu Ko-ee ll Kusal Kusal Kartay Jag Binsae

Kusal Bhee Kaisay Ho-ee ll 1 ll Rahaa-u ll (Page 332)

He, who does not honor his ancestors while they are alive,but holds feasts in their honor after they have died.

Tell me, how can his poor ancestors receive what the crows and the dogs have eaten up ?

Letter from Father to Son

Dear son…

The day that you see me old and I am already not, have patience and try to understand me…  If I get dirty when eating… if I cannot dress… have patience. Remember the hours I spent teaching it to you. If, when I speak to you, I repeat the same things thousand and one times… do not interrupt me… listen to me.

When you were small, I had to read to you thousand and one times the same story until you gets to sleep…  When I do not want to have a shower, neither shame me nor scold me…  Remember when I had to chase you with thousand excuses I invented, in order that you went for a bath…   When you see my ignorance on new technologies… give me the necessary time and not look at me with your mocking smile…  I taught you how to do so many things… to eat well, to dress well… to confront life…  When at some moment, my memory is at a loss or the thread of our conversation… let me have the necessary time to remember…  and if I cannot do it, do not become nervous… as the most important thing is not my conversation but surely to be with you and to have you listening to me… If ever I do not want to eat, do not force me.

I know well when I need to and when not. When my tired legs do not allow me walk… give me your hand… the same way I did when you took your first steps.

And when someday I say to you that I do not want to live any more… that I want to die… do not get angry… some day you will understand…

Try to understand that my age is not lived but survived.

Some day you will discover that, despite my mistakes, I always wanted the best thing for you and that I tried to prepare the way for you…  You must not feel sad, angry or impatient for seeing me near you. You must be next to me, try to understand me and to help me as I did it when you started living. Help me to walk… help me to end my way with love and patience. I will pay you by a smile and by the immense love I have had always for you.   I love you son…

Your father

ਬਿਰਧਿ ਭਇਆ ਜੋਬਨੁ ਤਨੁ ਖਿਸਿਆ ਕਫੁ ਕੰਠੁ ਬਿਰੂਧੋ ਨੈਨਹੁ ਨੀਰੁ ਢਰੇ ॥ 

ਚਰਣ ਰਹੇ ਕਰ ਕੰਪਣ ਲਾਗੇ ਸਾਕਤ ਰਾਮੁ ਨ ਰਿਦੈ ਹਰੇ ॥੭॥ 

ਸੁਰਤਿ ਗਈ ਕਾਲੀ ਹੂ ਧਉਲੇ ਕਿਸੈ ਨ ਭਾਵੈ ਰਖਿਓ ਘਰੇ ॥ 

ਬਿਸਰਤ ਨਾਮ ਐਸੇ ਦੋਖ ਲਾਗਹਿ ਜਮੁ ਮਾਰਿ ਸਮਾਰੇ ਨਰਕਿ ਖਰੇ ॥੮॥

Biradh Bha-i-aa Joban Tan Khis-iaa Kachh Kanth Biroodho Nain-hu Neer Dharay ll

Charan Rahay Kar Kamp-n Laagay Saakat Raam Na Ridae Haray ll 7 ll

Sur-t Ga-ee Kaalee H-oo Dha-ulay Kisae Na Bhaavae Rakhi-o Gharay ll

Bisrat Naam Aisay Dokh Laageh J-m Maar Samaaray Narak Kharay ll 8 ll


A young man was getting ready to graduate from college. For many months he had admired a beautiful sports car in a dealer’s showroom, and knowing his father could well afford it, he told him that was all he wanted. As Graduation Day approached, the young man awaited signs that his father had purchased the car. Finally, on the morning of his graduation, his father called him into his private study. His father told him how proud he was to have such a fine son and told him how much he loved him. He handed his son a beautifully wrapped gift box. Curious, but somewhat disappointed, the young man opened the box and found a lovely, leather-bound holy book, with the young man’s name embossed in gold. Angry, he raised his voice to his father and said, “With all your money, you give me a holy book ?” and stormed out of the house, leaving the book. Many years passed; although the young man was very successful in business, he didn’t come back to his father.

He had a beautiful home and wonderful family, but one day he realized that his father was very old, and thought perhaps he should go to him. He had not seen him since that graduation day. Before he could make arrangements, he received a telegram telling him his father had passed away, and willed all of his possessions to his son. He needed to come home immediately and take care of things. When he arrived at his father’s house, sudden sadness and regret filled his heart. He began to search through his father’s important papers and saw the same leather bound Holy Book just as he had left it years ago. With tears, he opened the book and began to turn the pages. And as he did, a car key dropped from the back of the book. It had a tag with the dealer’s name, the same dealer who had the sports car he had desired. On the tag was the date of his graduation, and the words PAID IN FULL.

How many times do we miss blessings and answers to our prayers because they do not arrive exactly as we have expected ?

ਗੂਜਰੀ ਮਹਲਾ ੫ ॥ 

ਜਿਸੁ ਸਿਮਰਤ ਸਭਿ ਕਿਲਵਿਖ ਨਾਸਹਿ ਪਿਤਰੀ ਹੋਇ ਉਧਾਰੋ ॥ 

ਸੋ ਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ ਤੁਮ੍ ਸਦ ਹੀ ਜਾਪਹੁ ਜਾ ਕਾ ਅੰਤੁ ਨ ਪਾਰੋ ॥੧॥

ਪੂਤਾ ਮਾਤਾ ਕੀ ਆਸੀਸ ॥  ਨਿਮਖ ਨ ਬਿਸਰਉ ਤੁਮ੍ ਕਉ ਹਰਿ ਹਰਿ

ਸਦਾ ਭਜਹੁ ਜਗਦੀਸ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥ (SGGS – Goojree Mehla 5 – Page 496)

Goojree Mehlaa 5 ll

Jis Simrat Sabh Kilvikh Naaseh Pitree Ho-ay Udhaaro ll

So Har Har Tum Sad Hee Jaap-hu Jaa Kaa Antt Na Paaro ll 1 ll

Pootaa Maataa Kee Aasees ll Nimakh Na Bisara-u Tum Ka-u Har Har

Sadaa Bhaj-hu Jagdees ll 1 ll Rahaa-u ll

(ਚਲਦਾ – -Continued in next month’s issue)